Playing Donkey Kong Country online: Monkey Mines (World 2)

Welcome to Monkey Mines

Get off my face!

World 2 of Donkey Kong Country is set on a rocky cliff brimming with gloomy caves and mines that appear to be much, much bigger on the inside (who exactly is doing the drilling and what natural resources are being exploited in Donkey Kong Island is unclear; you would think Donkey Kong should be a little more aware of what goes on in his home turf).

Four of Monkey Mines’ levels (Winky’s Walkway, Mine Cart Carnage, Bouncy Bonanza and Stop & Go Station) are set underground, giving Rare the chance to employ all sorts of dazzling smoke and lightning tricks to great effect.  I mean, they are still 16-bit special effects but they look the part and give great atmosphere to the stages. The last level, Millstone Mayhem, is set in a temple heavily inspired by Mayan architecture but devoted to some unidentified Kremling deity. There is only one other temple level in the whole game (World 4, Temple Tempest), but both offer a solid challenge and are fondly remembered by DKC fans.

We jump onto level 1, Winky’s Walkway, straight from our battle with Very Gnawty.

Winky’s Walkway

Walk don’t run

I have mixed feelings about this stage. On the one hand, the setting is gorgeous and the music is astounding, even by the high standard of what we have heard so far.

Honestly, this may be my favourite track in the whole game. So evocative.

On the other hand, the level is pretty unremarkable until we encounter Donkey’s new animal friend, Winky the Frog. And then it goes from unremarkable to FUCKING SHIT. Winky controls as if your character is riding a bouncing tire all the time, eg. jumping much higher at the expense of maneuverability. If you do not connect your jumps properly, she bounces mid-air and you lose control of the character for a split second, enough to make you plummet to your death. There are so many things wrong with Winky – her name (slang for penis), the way her mouth freakishly contracts and expands like a bubble gum balloon, the vile noises she makes and her camouflage skin (never a good fashion choice). Donkey and Diddy look ridiculously out of proportion riding her, and frankly a bit suspicious:

Just what exactly is going on there? I think Diddy’s look says it all… She is my most disliked animal companion and I am glad she did not come back for the sequels (fret not, her replacement in Donkey Kong Country 2 is even worse! But that’s another story)

 

Mine Cart Carnage

This is how it always ends

Ah yes, the infamous mine cart stage. If you have ever played Donkey Kong Country, you remember this stage. If you have never finished Donkey Kong Country, you probably gave up on this stage. Aldara sighs (/writes “uffff” on chatspeak) at the start of the level because she can remember THE HORROR. I am actually quite fond of the mine cart levels: they are a total exercise in muscle memory at a hypnotically fast speed. Uhm, where have I seen that before from Rare?

We spend a good twenty minutes on the second half of the stage, but when we finally master the level, we achieve that Zen-like state of mind where everything falls into place between us and the screen. In that way, I think Bit Trip Runner and all those Temple Run clone games from the last few years owe a fair debt to DKC.

Replace with mine carts. And monkeys.

Mine Cart Carnage is actually not the hardest mine cart level in the game, but coming so early into World 2 it feels like a rude awakening to us. There are three consecutive jumps in the third act of the stage

that look easy to pull off but are horribly complicated to perform successfully, particularly with added input lag from the emulator (I know, we are the bad workmen blaming their tools). Did I also mention that Random Lonely Enemy Right Before the Exit is back here with a vengeance in the form of a kamikaze Kremling riding a mine cart towards you? Oh Rare…

Bouncy Bonanza

The bitch is back

So how do you follow up one of the most tense stages in the game so far? Have some more bloody tires to jump on! This level plays like a nightmare version of Reptile Rumble from World 1, with a second half built around avoiding Zingers while you jump on tiny moving platforms. With tires on them. Urgh. To make matters worse, Rare has decided you clearly did not get enough of Winky two levels ago so she is back here to help?

To be completely fair, in my blind, hateful rant against Winky eariler I omitted the fact that she can actually kill Zingers by jumping on them with those hideous webbed feet of hers, which in truth comes in very handy here. Aldara is having none of it though, accidentally killing her by crashing onto a jumping Kremling and leaving me to complete the final third of the stage frog-less. We still hate you, Winky.

 

Stop & Go Station

Traffic light tension

I could tell you plenty of things about this stage. I could tell you it is one of the most atmospheric levels in the whole game, with some bleak music straight out of Silent Hill, scary red-eyed monsters

Rockkroc, death machine

and a general sense of dread that grips you while you make your way through it.

But the honest truth is WE CHEAT AGAIN and skip not even half the stage but 90% of it this time by turning left at the start of the level. In fairness, Aldara unintentionally wanders into this shortcut before I can even tell her of its existence. I do wonder about these random warps Rare placed in certain stages: they pretty much stop completely past World 3 and some of the hardest levels have none at all. Where is my shortcut for Elevator Antics eh!

At this point though, with Aldara in near catatonic state after two gruelling stages in succession, we do not feel any guilt whatsoever, particularly as our life counter is nowhere near the 50 mark we started with and we still have not saved our progress (Candy Kong’s stall and Funky’s cabin are both unlocked after clearing Stop & Go Station, tying Monkey Mines with World 4 Gorilla Glacier as the two worlds where you have to beat the most number of stages in a row before you can save).

[IN HINDSIGHT: When we return to this stage to finish it properly after beating the game, we both enjoy the brilliant STOP and GO gimmick (activating STOP barrels by changing them to GO temporarily freezes the invincible Rockkrocs that run across the stage). A variation of this theme is used in a much harder, later level, Loopy Lights.]

Millstone Mayhem

Tired of tires

We have been playing for a grand consecutive total of 2 hours and 16 minutes when we reach Millstone Mayhem and both our bodies and brains are sending us signals to call it a night: Aldara has had a couple of cheeky fag breaks, but we are both hungry, bleary-eyed and my arse is completely flat as I am stupidly sitting in the most uncomfortable chair I have in the whole house. Pumped by overconfidence, we decide to tackle Millstone Mayhem anyway…

The first half of the level is pretty painless – a couple of tires here and there make my left eye twitch slightly but other than that we reach the mid-level save barrel with no issues. But from then onwards, we somehow descend into videogame hell. Several Gnawties in massive wooden wheels stand in our way and we seem to be unable to time our jumps properly to avoid them. There is no particular section that is harder than the rest, but we are so tired our pattern observation skills and eye-hand coordination levels are at an all-time low. At some point we are so broken that we lose three consecutive lives by simply walking into the first fatal pit after saving, as if we cannot be bothered to press the jump button anymore. I ask Aldara if she is still having fun. “No” is the succint signal I need to give the game a rest before we have our first breakdown.

The next time we play, we realise we have unconsciously conditioned our brains and fingers to the perils of Millstone Mayhem and are able to get further than ever in the stage in a couple of tries. The wonders of a fresh mind! We still get slightly frustrated attempting to avoid the last Gnawty wheel, in a timed jump so tight you can hear Donkey’s buttcheeks clenching.

Easy, right?

Necky’s Nuts

Big and hairy nuts

An end of world boss based on the most broken feature in the game? Joy. Necky is a big ugly vulture who spits gigantic walnuts across the screen in incremental numbers as you stomp on its head by rebounding on, yes, a tire!!

Aldara really struggles with this boss. The collision detection when jumping on Necky’s head is slightly off the mark and landing an actual hit is tricky. We spend a good 10 minutes getting pecked and nut-mauled while we tragically ricochet around the tiny stage, while some fucker on YouTube can kill her in under 20 seconds. Seriously, next time I go past a garage I am going to set the whole thing on fire.

After successfully avoiding Necky’s bouncing nuts (…), we make our way to World 3, the alluringly titled Vine Valley. These are our Monkey Mines highlights:

MONKEY MAGIC: If When Donkey Kong Country is introduced to the Videogame Hall of Fame, surely the montage will heavily feature bits from Mine Cart Carnage. A true classic of the platforming genre.

MONKEY MADNESS: Millstone Mayhem made us stop playing the game for a couple of days, I think that is all we need to say.

BEST PUN:  I like how Mine Cart Carnage sounds when you pronounce it out loud, but we have to go with Necky’s Nuts, because we have the sense of humour of a 12 year old.

See you in World 3!